Therese Bernstein, MSN, APRN, CPNP, FNP-BC, IBCLC
Yesterday we celebrated my mom’s 79th birthday. I was excited to celebrate her special day and wish her a happy birthday. I brought mom a cake and without thinking I approached her with outstretched arms to give her a hug and suddenly I stopped. I pulled myself back and cried, sadly remembering that touching was not allowed.
Touch is an integral part of human interaction and an extremely powerful form of communication. The essence of a warm embrace, a kiss, a gentle touch or just holding hands is how we say Hello, I love you, I’m sorry, or I care. Touch is a basic sense that allows us to connect with our family and friends and often we do not realize the many ways we touch someone. Perhaps we have taken some of these simple common gestures for granted. In the new world of COVID we now wear masks, practice social distancing, and physical contact such as a hug, a pat on the back, and even a high five is forbidden. COVID-19 has deprived us of the connection and physical comfort that a simple touch gives us at a time when we may need it the most. As a pediatric nurse practitioner, I appreciate how the lack of human touch during this unprecedented time has impacted the physical and mental wellbeing of people of all ages, especially children. Every day I see how the lack of touch is contributing to increased stress and anxiety. In fact, when I started asking children how many hugs they got today, I was saddened to hear some say none. The consequences of touch starvation are real.
A baby’s first experience with the outside world is the sense of touch. It is well documented that skin to skin contact is important for bonding and attachment and essentially, touch is the beginning of communication between a mother and child.
Studies confirm that touch has many important health benefits. Physical touch, such as hugging, is known to activate the release of the hormone oxytocin and reduces cortisol levels leading to decreased anxiety, stress and depression. It also boosts the immune system and helps to maintain a child’s physical health. Touch stimulates a child’s brain and is important for normal growth and development. Furthermore, touch has been shown to foster strong bonds between a parent and child.
Increased stress and anxiety related to physical distancing and the uncertainty associated with the COVID-19 pandemic is having many negative effects on children which can be manifested as sleep disturbances, nightmares, poor appetite, and behavioral problems. For parents, the fear of unintentionally spreading COVID-19 to their own child is of great concern and justifiably protecting their children from the virus is of utmost importance. However, as each of us rationalize the CDC guidelines associated with the COVID-19 pandemic, such as the necessity of social distancing and wearing masks, it is critically important that we also realize the negative impact that touch deprivation has on children. Encouraging parents to cuddle with their children in their homes may help offset the consequences that being touch starved may bring.
Hugging is a form of touch important to the emotional, cognitive and physical development of children. Hugging makes children feel safe and secure, makes them smarter, boosts self-esteem, and creates happiness. Everyone can benefit from a hug. It’s really a win-win situation for all! We know that touch fulfils an emotional need and extended periods without physical contact can be significantly detrimental for children. The long-term consequences from this pandemic are yet to be seen and it is unclear how long this pandemic will last. Without a doubt there is a “new normal”. We have endured 8 months of this “new norm” and we could easily have to continue protecting ourselves for many more months to come. Avoiding touch with our children should not and cannot be a trend that continues. Parents, because you can, grab your children, wrap your arms around them and hug them many times a day for their health and yours! Remember touch is essential and there is no substitution for a great big hug! As author and family therapist Virginia Satir once said, “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth”.
FAQs
The truth is, there is no set amount of hugs a child needs to thrive. “There is no magic number, and children vary in the amount of physical affection they want and need,” says Dr. Franz. She adds that as a general rule, younger children generally seek more hugs than older kids.
Is it true you need 8 hugs a day? ›
“We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” – Virginia Satir, American Author and Psychotherapist. With social distancing restrictions dramatically reducing human contact for more than a year, it seems that we're all long overdue for a hug.
What happens if you don't get four hugs a day? ›
The quip comes from Virginia Satir, a world-renowned family therapist. And it falls along similar lines to a 1995 study, which found “that four hugs per day was an antidote for depression, eight hugs per day would achieve mental stability and twelve hugs per day would achieve real psychological growth.”
How many hugs do we need a day for our boyfriend? ›
Talking about hugs, psychologist Virginia Satir said: "We need 4 hugs a day to survive, 8 hugs a day to sustain and 12 hugs a day to thrive". And scientists also say that each hug should be lasted for about 10 seconds to bring more effects to the opponent.
What happens if a child is not hugged enough? ›
No matter how well-nourished and intellectually stimulated a child is, going without human touch can stunt his mental, emotional and even physical growth; it potentially affects the child for years to come.
Do hugs help kids grow? ›
Skin contact or physical touch, like hugging and holding, are great ways to help your child grow a healthy brain and a strong body. In fact, physicians have found that when children don't receive physical contact, their physical growth and development can slow down.
What is the 20 second hug rule? ›
A 20-second hug allows your body to release a significant amount of oxytocin, helping you de-stress after a long day and promoting a positive mindset. 2. Enhanced Emotional Bond: Physical touch, like hugging, is a powerful way to strengthen emotional connections with loved ones.
What happens if you get no hugs a day? ›
When you don't get enough physical touch, you can become stressed, anxious, or depressed. As a response to stress, your body makes a hormone called cortisol. This can cause your heart rate, blood pressure, muscle tension, and breathing rate to go up, with bad effects for your immune and digestive systems.
How many hugs does a girl need a day? ›
As author and family therapist Virginia Satir once said, “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth”.
Do guys feel breasts while hugging? ›
It depends on the type of hug, but often a guy can feel her breast against him when hugging. When a guy hugs a girl he feels the softness of her body, and if there is breast contact, he feels that softness to. That doesn't mean he gets turned on, only that he can feel the contact.
Disney Hug Rule: The character isn't to pull away until the child pulls away. You never know how much they really need that hug and it's just something small that can have a big impact. Even Disney cast members understand how important and sacred this process is to those who visit these places of magic.
Where to touch a guy while hugging? ›
You can put both arms around his neck and keep one palm gently on the nape of his neck. If your arms are around his neck, run your fingers softly through the hair at the base of his neck. If your arms are around his torso, rub his back gently. A behind-the-back hug can also be a good way to hug a guy hello.
How does a girl feel when she hugs a guy? ›
Affection
A hug can make them feel cherished and loved. However, he and the lady might not be romantically linked, as it could be a platonic friendship. This feeling of affection can create a warm and positive bond between them.
Can you feel love in a hug? ›
When we reach out, a chemical called oxytocin — also dubbed the “love hormone” — kicks in and makes us feel warm and fuzzy inside. The effects of a warm embrace can linger long after the hug: Oxytocin promotes feelings of trust, nurturing, and calm. A hug can even improve your physiological stability.
Why is cuddling and kissing good for you? ›
Physical affection not only increases oxytocin production, but it also reduces the production of cortisol, the stress hormone. So, when you hug someone you care about, the “feel good” oxytocin hormone is released while cortisol is subdued, leaving both parties feeling calmer and soothed.
Why does my kid need so many hugs? ›
Physical touch might be your son's primary way of expressing affection. It could also be that he craves closeness to you at times where he feels anxious, insecure, or some other way that would have him seeking comfort.
Do I hug and kiss my kids too much? ›
This demonstrated admiration can support a child's sense of well-being. However, Heldring notes, “Affection that is too sexual is uncomfortable for children and breaks a boundary. Too much would be a long kiss, intimate touches or certain spoken words such as 'I can't wait until later tonight'.
How much physical touch do kids need? ›
A good rule of thumb is trying to have at least four meaningful physical touches each day to each child. This can be a hug in the morning and at night, snuggling on the couch watching a show, or giving them a piggyback ride to breakfast.
What age do kids give hugs? ›
By 15 months, your toddler will give you surprise physical affection, so be prepared for hugs, cuddles, and sloppy kisses.
